Subtle.

But not at all.
My heart is beating against my chest, my ribs feel as though they are collapsing.
I cannot tell what this is. But it will not leave.

Selfless.

I tend to brag about the good things.
And then a small amount of time passes, things change, and I am made to be a fool.

This Will Destroy You - There Are Some Remedies Worse Than The Disease

Relevant.

Outward.

How hard is it to feel good about yourself, outward appearance and all? Being constantly bombarded with images of women with the perfect body and wonderful outfits. And here I am, your average girl who's constantly in jeans and tees. Is that wrong? Is that lazy of me? 
Often enough I do have confidence and feel good about myself. Compliments do come my way, and I accept them. I have a boyfriend who thinks I'm beautiful and I am grateful. But it's still hard to look into the mirror and see what these people claim is there. I am no model. I don't know how to dress myself in the seasons hottest styles.
But at the end of the day does that even matter? 
Appearance is the initial attraction.  First appearance.

I'm at a cross roads of sorts.
Who's to know where it'll go.
Constantly changing and adapting.
It's probably due to me feeling older.

We will just have to wait and see.

Insides.

         It has been a long while since I have been able to wear my heart on my sleeve. I say this, of course, with complete honesty. Most relationships begin with each party somewhat altering themselves in hopes that the other is lured in. I have been guilty of this myself. But as time passed, and the 'flaws' became apparent, various things occurred. They left. I left. Things fell apart. We discovered that what we felt was not real at all. But those are lessons I have learned, and here I am.
      I have somewhat fell into this person's life, and they into mine. I cannot accurately explain the feelings that flowed through me with our initial conversations. I felt at peace, comfortable in a way I havent for years. I was drawn to someone, and that has never happened. Pretty words could never explain that feeling. But in all of this I set out to be myself. Not the censored or altered Amanda that many men have met at first. I felt as though I owed it to him, seeing as how wonderful and honest he was with me from the start.
        I guess the point of this particular post is to express happiness. I am that, and I havent been in a long while. I want to better myself for the other person, who already thinks I am better than I knew. I want to help them in anyway that I can, and not expect anything in return. A few years ago, I would never have made myself this open. In fear that when (not if) things fell apart my actions and my secrets would be held against me. I do not want to live everyday in fear of the end, which is not something I have considered. I may be getting ahead of myself. I may be many things, but who is to say? What would you call that? This feeling? This relationship? Does that word even apply at this point? In due time, I suppose. 
I adore you, and all that you are.

This.

       What I would not give to be in this moment. Whoever took this photo is beyond lucky. I have ventured into a wooded area maybe six times at the most in my life. I am 23 years old, this is not something I am proud of. I was born and raised in southern Florida where the ocean is every persons go-to spot. I have never liked the ocean, or the beach for that matter. Something that I could never pinpoint or describe.I have never seen snow. I have never discovered an animal trail. I need to.
      What peace would I find? Waking up in a tent in a place where nature is still at peace. Where cell phones and television would not be something to worry over. Animals left alone.
      Its hard to understand how I have walked on this earth for 23 years and have yet to experience things such as this. Even more mind blowing is how the world and all the people in it do not wish to experience these things. Too content with life ambitions of the selfish sort. To each their own, and my own as well.

I feel as though the forest, a place such as this, is calling.
Ill venture and find my own.
23 years and counting.

First.

Not at all sure what I am hoping to accomplish by sitting here, and typing any of this.
I am sure, however, that I do need something to keep me busy.
So here I am, and there you go, reading.
Hooray!


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